As the thunderous lightning clashed in the background, Herbert Henry Oxidane, P.I., drummed his fingers on his oak desk as he stared at an antique, analog spectrophotometer on his bookcase. He was waiting for a call from Max, the powerhouse superintendent at XYZ Chicken Company, the largest poultry processing plant in the greater Waterville metropolis. Max had messaged him last night that he needed to talk to the water detective the next morning about the water program for his cooling towers. It was something big, he said. The retro rotary phone was reborn with one ring...two...three..."Detective H2O here. The best water treater this side of the Ohio, solving water treatment problems drop by drop. Whatcha got?"

"Ox, it's Max on the horn. Did you get my message from last night?"

"Uh huh. What's going down?" replied the water detective.

"Our chemical and water usage will, if all goes by the book. We've got a dame down here that's sold the Big Guy on a new technology to totally eliminate the chemicals and reduce the water usage in our cooling towers. It will strong arm any scale, corrosion, and microbe growth to boot. It's a win-win scenario all the way around. We'd be crazy not to try it, the Big Guy says."

"What do you say, Max?" asked the water detective.

"I don't know, Ox. I guess I say the package is just a little too pretty. Sure, we called all the references and were given golden responses. Payback is projected to be less than one year. All we have to do is lease the equipment. I could use some better eyes down here, Ox. They are installing the equipment this morning, and I'm in over my head. Can you come?"

"Sure, Max. I still owe you one from our days with Six-Pack Water Treatment, Inc. Let me crank start my Ford, and I'll be there before you can say ethylenediaminetetraacetic acid.”

“You’ve got that right, Ox. You always were a man of words,” replied Max.

“By the way, what's the name of this new technology?" asked the water detective.

"It's called the Heisenberg Water Conditioner," replied Max.

"Hmmm..." thought the water detective, could it be...

*     *     *

Detective H2O arrived at the XYZ Chicken Company powerhouse just as a crowd of engineers, managers, and suits were gathering. Standing at the front with her back to everyone was a decked-out dame with legs up to her neck. It’s not every day that you see a sequined evening dress worn in a powerhouse, but this apparently wasn’t every day. Detective H2O was uncertain, but he felt that he knew her. Then she turned, and his uncertainty turned to certainty as her eyes met his.

Kitty Olivia Heisenberg, PhD, PE, CWT, was a lab rat the last he’d seen her, with Coke-bottle glasses, a bird’s-nest hairdo, and socially awkward. All that was gone as she confidently glowered at the gathering crowd, but it was definitely Kitty or at least Kitty 2.0.

One of the suits walked up to Kitty, turned to face the crowd, and said, “As soon as Kitty marched into my office, I knew good things were going to happen. Her impeccable pedigree, passion for water treatment, and…well…” as he looked her up and down “confident appearance made me want to listen to every word she said. Her Heisenberg Water Conditioner is certainly an amazing piece of technology. Used in the Mustarde Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, in the Global Trade Center in New York, New York, and many other prestigious applications, we are pleased to be the next on her list to use the Heisenberg Water Conditioner at XYZ Chicken Company. You know what we answer here at the XYZ Chicken Company when asked which came first, the chicken or the egg. We answer, ‘The money!’ And with that, I give you Dr. Kitty Olivia Heisenberg.”

Dr. Heisenberg straightened her shoulders, flipped her full-body, long blonde hair back, and breathily replied, “Thank you, President Betzer. My device will most certainly save you money. It will also save you from the money-sucking evils of corrosion, scale, and microbiological growth.” The crowd of mostly men hung on her every word. “When I push this button, you will bravely enter a new era of water savings at XYZ Chicken Company, entering the 21st century of technological water treatment, down to the quantum level. You will be cutting edge. You will environmentally friendly. Your water impact will be green and sustainable. You will have no regrets.”

President Betzer beamed with satisfaction.

“And with that said,” continued Dr. Heisenberg, “let’s push the button.” She bent forward under the watchful eye of the crowd, and slowly pushed the button…at first nothing happened. Then, pinpoints of blue lights begin to glow along the length of the cooling tower recirculation line. Detective H2O had not noticed the little devices installed every few feet along the recirculation line until now. The pinpoints of blue lights began to glow brighter and brighter and then slowly began pulsing…bright…dim…bright…dim…followed by slow oscillations down the length of the recirculation line…slow…fast…faster…lightning fast! It was mesmerizing! It was not just lights, but there was a sound too! A low, pulsating sound timed perfectly with the lights! The strobing effect could almost be felt! It was dynamic, titillating, and one heck of a show! A young engineer passed out as Dr. Heisenberg observed a monitoring device and yelled in delight, “Success!” The crowd went wild with applause, whistles and catcalls!

“Now what?!” asked President Betzer, eagerly.

“Unplug those chemical pumps! Unplug the blowdown controller! Close the valve on the blowdown line!” exclaimed Dr. Heisenberg as operators rushed to do her bidding.

“You have now been freed from the shackles of traditional water treatment, ladies and gentlemen! You are welcome,” she demurely said, as she briskly turned and walked away, disappearing beyond the chillers not to be seen again that day.

Everyone looked shell shocked, including Detective H2O. In all his many years in water treatment, he had never seen anything like it. Knowing Kitty from back in her lab rat days, he never suspected she had it in her either. What had just happened?

Max was soon at his side asking, “That was a horse of different color, wasn’t it, Ox? So what do you think?”

“Honestly, I don’t know what to think yet. Let me take a look. Do you have any materials that describe how this is supposed to work? I couldn’t find anything on the web.”

“Yes, Ox, I have her brochures and proposal in my office. Stop by and take a load off once you’ve taken a look at our new Christmas tree.”

Detective H2O inspected the Heisenberg Water Conditioner. It was a series of devices strapped around the cooling tower recirculation line every 5 feet for the entire length of the main line from the cooling tower pumps to the far end of the powerhouse. They were connected together with CAT5 wiring. There was a central control unit screwed to the wall with only one button and a color display with an oscillating graph and just one word flashing in bold green, “SUCCESS!”

Detective H2O did a full gambit of water analysis on the cooling tower water. Everything was as expected. When he stopped by Max’s office, the brochure and proposal described the Heinseberg Water Conditioner as a breakthrough in quantum mechanics. It claimed to incorporate quantum entanglement to permanently connect elements within the water solution together to prevent their reaction with other elements in the water solution. Once quantumly entangled, the mixing action of the pumps and turbulence in the lines would ensure the likelihood of these two elements ever meeting up again to be nearly zero. The science described was weighted with equations filled with Greek symbols and heavily referenced. It made Detective H2O’s head feel numb. He can only imagine the dizzying effect it would have on others.

Max was at his side again asking, “So, what do you think?”

“I still don’t know, Max. It’s certainly one heck of a sideshow and light show. The information you showed me is filled with all the right buzz words of the industry and way beyond that with quantum mechanics and entanglement. This falls into the category of nonchemical devices or NCDs. I have nothing against NCDs as a category. I have several NCDs that I fully trust. A filter is an NCD. A reverse osmosis system is an NCD. You could even argue a water softener is an NCD. I have complete faith in these units because I can test and see the effects they are having on water. I can test hardness going in and out of a water softener and see the difference. I can test the conductivity of water going in and out of the reverse osmosis system and see the difference. I can do a particle size analysis or Total Suspended Solids test on water going into and out of a filter and see the difference. I can believe that these units are doing what they say they’re doing. I have not been able to test and see the effects this Heisenberg Water Conditioner is having on the water. Water in looks just like the water out. I have faith in God without testing Him, but I cannot have faith in a water treatment device without a test I can see. Know what I mean, Max? I don’t know how to measure quantum entanglement and the effects it has on controlling scale, corrosion, and microbiological activity without more long-term studies.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean, Ox. What can we do to make sure this is all above board? If this doesn’t work, I’m sure my job could be on the line. Sure, the Big Guy made the decision, but he likes to pass the buck when things go south, if you know what I mean,” replied Max.

Detective H2O stroked his chin as he thought and said, “Let’s gets some corrators installed in here, plus a scale and deposit monitor. Keep doing the microbiological dipslides, and we’ll start trending the ATP levels. If we can’t measure its direct effect on the water, let’s measure its claims on what it will prevent.”

“Great plan, Ox! Let’s do it!” said Max.

*     *     *

As expected, Detective H2O was good to his word. With the help of Max and his crew, they closely monitored scale and deposit formation, corrosion rates, and microbiological activity. While water usage was down, everything else was trending up. Luckily, the makeup water used at XYZ Chicken Company was naturally low in hardness and alkalinity, but that did not prevent scale from slowly building up in the scale and deposit monitor. Corrosion rates went way up. The microbiological bugs setup their own Woodstock and multiplied like crazy! The cooling tower fill was looking slimy and green.

When Max would show his results to President Betzer, he would call in Dr. Heisenberg. She would breeze through smelling of perfume, make a few adjustments, add a few more lights to the recirculation line, and breeze back out, leaving a smile on President Betzer’s face. The results did not change. Eventually, Dr. Heisenberg claimed the electric field generated by the scale and deposit monitor and the corrator were interfering with the quantum entanglement, so President Betzer ordered them to be turned off. Detective H2O and Ox were flying almost blind now, waiting for the worst to come.

President Betzer went through four of the five classic stages of a bad decision: denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. He denied the Heisenberg Water Conditioner was not performing as advertised. He raged angrily at anyone who would even mention the device. He called in Dr. Heisenberg repeatedly until she stopped answering and coming. He locked himself in his office sulking. It was the fifth stage of a bad decision that can go one of two ways: acceptance or deflect the blame. He chose to deflect the blame.

The cooling tower fill was heavy with microbiological fouling and deposits. It smelled terrible and was sagging in the middle from the weight of it all. As the approach temperatures of the chillers climbed and climbed and as electrical usage climbed and climbed, eventually the chillers began to shut down one by one. Opening the chillers showed scale and deposit formation beyond anything Detective H2O had ever seen in his entire career. The powerhouse could no longer keep up with the chilled water demand and production was slowed. That’s when President Betzer stormed out to the powerhouse, read Max the riot act, and had guards unceremoniously march him off the premises with his pink slip in hand for installing that abysmal Heisenberg Water Conditioner on his equipment.

A similar story played itself out across country at other installations of the Heisenberg Water Conditioner. Some applications had more or less forgiving natural water conditions, so the timescale was different at each location, but they all failed one by one. Dr. Heisenberg’s company went belly up, and her CWT and PE licenses were revoked by juries of her peers, but she disappeared with a purse stuffed full of money. It put a famous, long-lived stain on that segment of the water treatment industry. Although the whereabouts of Dr. Heisenberg were uncertain, her name certainly became mud in the industry.

Detective H2O used his connections to quickly help find Max another job in a powerhouse at the Waterville Widget Company, extolling Max’s merits and immediate doubts of the Heisenberg Water Conditioner despite the public proclamations of President Betzer.

*     *     *

Late one weekend night at a table in a little restaurant, Max asked, “Ox, what happened? Why did it take so long for so many people to see the forest despite the trees?”

Detective H2O took a while to think, and slowly replied, “Well, I can’t be certain, but human beings can be very optimistic, hopeful creatures at times, but it’s also natural to want to take shortcuts to get there. When someone supposedly smarter than you in a pretty wrapper tells you that her equally bejeweled device will make all your dreams come true, a part of all of us wants to believe. In this case, we weren’t supposed to look in the box at Schrödinger's cat to see if it was alive or dead…until it died.”

*     *     *

In the underbelly and penthouses of the metropolis of Waterville, where the boilers percolate and cooling towers fog, there is one man who works tirelessly to end corrosion, stop scale, fight lowlife microbes, and conserve water. That man is Detective H2O. Best water treater this side of the Ohio. Solving water problems drop by drop.