Detective H2O

Detective H2O: The Case of High Irony

By James McDonald, PE, CWT

It was a dark and stormy afternoon as the rain clouds pressed down upon the metropolis of Waterville. Herbert Henry Oxidane, P.I., stared out the rain-streaked window as the phone rang. On the third ring, he answered, "Detective H2O here. The best water treater this side of the Ohio, solving water problems drop by drop. Whatcha got?"

“Doctor H2O, we need you! The place is falling apart!” came the baritone voice of the Acme Widgets lead powerhouse operator.

“If only I had a dime every time I heard that,” he replied under his breath.

“We have this closed loop, see, and we started a new treatment program this week, see. The iron levels at the start were 5.1 ppm, but as we’ve added more of the new treatment program, the iron levels have climbed and climbed and climbed! They were at 11.2 ppm yesterday and are at 20 ppm today! The Boss ain’t one bit happy.”

“OK, OK, I’ll be right over, Sam. Save me a donut.”

Detective H2O packed up his equipment and briefcase into his dilapidated Ford and raced over, avoiding the fuzz’s speed traps of the day. When he got onsite, he had to put on his all lacking charms to get past the sentinel dame at the front gate. Built like a ton of bricks with a voice and neck to match, Detective H2O smiled his broadest smile at her.

“You’re looking good today, Hilda. I’m here to see Sam in the Powerhouse.”

Hilda returned her interpretation of a smile, replying, “I’ll let Sam know,” but he noticed she didn’t pick up the phone nor touch the computer. “Have a seat as you wait,” she instructed while she just sat there. Things had never been the same between the two of them since that night at the Rusty Nail bar, when she outdrank him, beat him at pool, and kept making unreturned passes at him.

Detective H2O had not been in the industrial water treatment business for decades to be deterred by one Amazonian rent-a-cop. He discretely pulled out his painfully non-Smartphone (nearly rotary) and texted Sam that he was out front. Within minutes, the phone at the front desk rang. Hilda’s black eyes grew larger as she said, “Yes, sir, I’ll send him right through!” Detective H2O grabbed a badge and was out the door before she could hang up.

“Good to see you, Detective. My boys and I have been waiting for you. Sorry about the guard dog up front,” Sam said as he shook his head.

“No problem, Sam. Her bite is worse than her bark most days. So what’s up with this closed loop and the iron?”

“Well, my gang’s been adding this new water treatment program to our closed loop. Like I said on the phone, our iron levels have skyrocketed from 5.1 to 20 ppm! The more treatment chemical we add, the higher it gets! We’re chewing up the closed loop system from the inside out! The Boss is fit to be tied! What can we do?!” pleaded Sam.

“What’s the pH?”

“It’s at 9.4.”

“Have you done any microbiological tests?”

“Yes, the full gambit. No aerobes, no anaerobes, a big negatory to everything we’ve tested.”

“So far so, good. Why did you change products and what type of treatment are you using now?” asked the water detective.

“We were on a straight nitrite program before, but it kept getting buggy. Those little critters would eat up our nitrite, set up house, and corrode away. Finally, we did several rounds of high non-ox-biocide additions plus flushes of the whole kit and caboodle. Then we started on a molybdenum-based program, to get rid of the nitrite candy for the bugs. That’s when it fell apart again. The more we added, the higher the iron got! Bugs are under control, like I said, but the iron is killin’ us!”

“That’s interesting, Sam. Show me how you run iron tests.”

“Okay, we take a sample, being sure to flush it relatively well, see, but not wanting to waste too much juice from the closed loop. Then we divide it into the sample cells like this, see, and then we add this FerroVer reagent…”

“WAIT!!! Is that the same iron test you used to run on the nitrite-based treatment?”

“Yes, Detective, it is, Scout’s honor,” Sam replied big eyed.

“I think we’ve solved your mystery, Sam.” Detective H2O rummaged through his test kit, handed Sam some different reagents and said, “Here, try these reagents instead of the FerroVer.”

Detective H2O and Sam added the reagents, entered the appropriate test number, and pressed “READ” on the colorimeter. It showed “5.1 ppm.”

“Wait! That’s the iron level we started with all along! What did you do, Detective?”

“Elementary, my dear Swanson. Your iron levels were never actually climbing at all.” Sam’s face turned to disbelief. “Now hang on here, Sam. On the nitrite-based program, you used the FerroVer test method, which was just fine. When you changed to the molybdenum-based program, you needed to change the test method too. See, molybdenum over 50 ppm is a positive interference for the FerroVer test. The higher your molybdenum got, the higher your iron reading got, but it was all smoke and mirrors. You needed to use the FerroMo test procedure instead. Here, take my reagents to use for now until you can order some more.”

“Wow, Detective H2O! You really know your stuff! You just saved my back side and this cat can get off the hot tin roof! The Boss will be pleased!” Sam exclaimed.

“Let’s hope he’s still pleased when he gets my bill.”

* * *

In the underbelly and penthouses of the metropolis of Waterville, where the boilers percolate and cooling towers fog, there is one man who works tirelessly to end corrosion, stop scale, fight lowlife microbes, and conserve water. That man is Detective H2O. Best water treater this side of the Ohio. Solving water problems drop by drop.