It was a dark and stormy morning as sheets of rain poured between the downtown buildings. Herbert Henry Oxidane, P.I., watched the thick layer of water flow down his office windows. He looked mildly amused when the black, mid-twentieth-century phone rang to life on his desk. On the third ring, he answered, "Detective H2O here. The best water treater this side of the Ohio, solving water problems drop by drop. Whatcha got?"

"Ox, I need you. This is Louie."

"Spit it out."

"My dealkalizer's trippin' on me. Not doing the job it used to do, see. I track its output daily, but lately it's been making less water each day, out of the blue. Steam load's the same, but my neutralizing amine usage is up too. Makes no sense to me and the boys. Something's on the take. We need to call you in. When can you and that beat up Ford of yours be here?"

"I knew that dilapidated dealk would bite the big one soon. My wipers are practically pushing up daisies, but I'll drive between the drops. See ya at half past the ten."

When Detective H2O slid into the back parking lot of Waterville Memorial Hospital, the rain had let up just a little. He grabbed his mobile water test kit, sample bottles, and briefcase and made a run for it. Louie was there to hold the Powerhouse door open just in time.

"Now, tell me the scoop. You're dealkalizers are putting out less water," said Detective H2O.

"Yes, Ox. We track the meter readings daily, see. Steam rates are rock solid. Throughputs between dealk regenerations are the same, but daily production has taken a nose dive. My boys also noticed that the neutralizing usage is up to keep the pH controlled, see. Phosphate in the boilers has been running a bit lower than the norm...still within range, but on the lower end."

Detective H2O knew this boiler room well. Three beautiful watertube boilers formed a semicircle around the room, like three stately dames. Softened dealkalized water was the makeup, with a high condensate return rate. The gang of operators were the best in the business. They ran a tight ship with pride.

"Have you checked the makeup water meter?"

"Yes, it matches the regeneration meters like twins."

"I know better than to ask if the boiler neutralized condy is within range with you guys. Has the city makeup water quality changed?"

After Louie shrugged, Detective H2O cracked open his water test kit to find the city water hadn't changed its story. Consistent as ever.

"Any leaking bypass valves around the dealk?"

"No, we checked the alkalinity far downstream of any possible bypass, and the alkalinity is legit. Low as ever. Even at the end of the service run."

"Hmmm...how about condensate quality? Anything there?" Detective H2O asked as he perused the operator logs.

"As you can see, Ox, just a couple of blips here and there in conductivity and once in hardness, but nothing consistent. What do you think it is, Ox?"

"I have my suspicions, Louie. Grab one of your boys, and let's do a condensate survey."

"You think there's something in the pipes, Ox?"

"Yes, I think there's something in the pipes."

As Louie went to track down his comrade, Detective H2O put together a quick kit...sample bottles, tongs, conductivity meter, rubber gloves, hardness indicator, and bucket filled with a little cool water.

"Ox, this is Tommy. He knows the condensate system like the back of his hands."

"Tommy only has one hand."

"He has a good memory."

Going from one condensate receiver to another, Detective H2O trailed the two men and collected water samples. He marked and capped them and sat them in the bucket of water to cool. At the last one, he started testing the cooled samples. Conductivity and hardness tests all the way around. They hit gold on the second to last sample. Elevated conductivity and the sample turned magenta red when hardness indicator juice was added.

"Louie, I think we've found something. What systems send water back to the East Wing condensate receiver?" asked Detective H2O.

"Tommy?"

"Well, let me cogitate. Aside from the air handling units, there's that water heater," replied Tommy.

"Let's see this water heater."

The potable water heater was steam heated using a shell and tube heat exchanger. Tommy cracked open the condensate line just south of the steam trap. Water poured out. They took a sample.

Eureka! Elevated conductivity and hardness!

"You found it, Ox! The water leaking through this heat exchanger elbowed in on what the dealkalzer would have normally provided. But how does that explain the increased demand of neutralizing amine?" asked Louie.

"Elementary, my dear Swanson. Remember, the dealks cut the alkalinity in the makeup water. No such luxury with this stowaway water leak getting back to the boilers. Bicarbonate alkalinity turns into CO2 in the boilers, lurks out with the steam, turns into carbonic acid in the condensate and drops the pH. The tradeoff is more neutralizing amine to maintain the pH setpoint. The final piece of the puzzle is the hardness reacting with the phosphate in the boiler, causing the phosphate dip you saw. Simple as one two three," smiled Detective H2O.

"You solved another one, Ox...or should I say Detective H20. Best water treater this side of the Ohio."

"It's a wet and dirty job, but some sap’s gotta do it," replied Detective H2O.

*     *     *

In the underbelly and penthouses of the metropolis of Waterville, where the boilers percolate and cooling towers fog, there is one man who works tirelessly to end corrosion, stop scale, fight lowlife microbes, and conserve water. That man is Detective H2O. Best water treater this side of the Ohio. Solving water problems drop by drop.